How to Spot a Bastard by His Star Sign

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ARIES
Boy does he yearn for the times when men were men and women were grateful.

English is his second language, grunting is his first. And all he can grunt about is himself, his career, his sporting achievements and how feminists would be a lot less uptight if he gave them a good shag. If the bastard you fancy puts on Vivaldi in the evening, whips up a nice little souffle a deux and then settles down to read Jane Austen to you, he’s almost certainly gay and he’s definitely not Aries.

TAURUS
A typically stubborn Taurean male always knows better than a female. Even when he doesn’t.

As the zodiac’s number one control freak, Taurus knows what’s good for you. Even though he patently isn’t. Paradoxically, when he’s not running – and therefore ruining – your life, the Taurean bastard is busy being chronically lazy. His sloth-like ways do not bode well for what we will generously describe as your ‘sex-life’ with him. If you find yourself with a Taurus our only advice here is to make the most of your rapidly deteriorating mental health by raving like a maniac. That means he’ll be forced to stop doing likewise and be helpful for once by rushing round trying to find you a good psychiatrist.

GEMINI
Gemini bastards are completely and utterly mad.

A Gemini bastard has many demons – a multitude of personalities living inside him, each of whom qualifies as a bastard in his own right. Because Gemini lives amid this turmoil he will continually change his ideas and opinions. What he says today won’t mean anything tomorrow and it probably didn’t mean much today either. You could see this as a natural result of him having to deal with his conflicting personalities. Or you could see this as a result of him being a two-faced, two-timing, lying bastard.

CANCER
Used to sneak his mother’s Barbara Cartland novels when normal boys were shoplifting Hustler.

Any boy should have the decency to look visibly embarrassed when Mummy combs his hair and wipes his face with a hanky laced with her own spit. When he’s thirty-eight. However we’re not talking about a grown man here, are we? We’re talking about Cancer. It doesn’t actually matter whether you are compatible with a Cancer bastard. Getting on with him isn’t half as important as getting on with the woman who reared him. After all, she’s the one responsible for making him the fine figure of a man that he is definitely not today.

LEO
A complete bloody nightmare.

His entrance will always be preceded with a drum roll. If you miss his entrance you’ll find him already strategically positioned under a spotlight. You can’t miss him there – not with the two game show hostesses on either side of him pointing him out. You might also notice The Hand Of God above his head scrawling a cloudy message in the air: women of the world, my gift to you. Regards, God. Do the deed on the third date. You’ll need to do something to avoid hearing his life story again and sex will shut him up nicely.

VIRGO
If you’re looking for a man that no other woman will ever want to steal, you’ve finally found him.

Ever wondered what goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Find out what Interpol has been trying to discover for years and date a Virgo bastard. If you are currently in love with a Virgo and you don’t want to believe the truth, pick up any detective novel that features an ice-pick-wielding nutter and then try telling us he doesn’t remind you of someone you know and it’s all just a bunch of coincidences. If he looks vaguely familiar, that’s because he is. You probably saw an artist’s sketchy impression on Crimewatch the night before and faintly remember words
like ‘bludgeoned’, ‘manhunt’ and ‘Virgo’.

LIBRA
Life is getting more complex. The half-flush or the full-flush? The stress is unbelievable.

Charmingly boyish, well-dressed – with the nicely blow-dried hair and a vacant look on his face. Not much more than a large Ken doll with movable limbs, he’s only appealing to women still under the age of eight. Anyone older will see that he is plastic and empty, with a preference for unrealistically proportioned women. Because he is completely shallow, he lacks the depth required to make a decision or a commitment. The Libra bastard will never make either.

SCORPIO
A sneaky, nasty, controlling bastard, a master manipulator and a world-class pervert.

Any relationship of any length with a Scorpio bastard is guaranteed to wreck your emotional health, your self-esteem or, at the very least, your enjoyment of life. Scorpio makes Darth Vader look like Mr Whippy. He’ll hold a grudge against you until the day you die. Say you flirt harmlessly with a work colleague of his at the office Christmas party. It won’t cross your mind that Scorpio is upset about it until one fine day three years later when he retaliates by sleeping with your maid of honour and your sister just hours before he marries you.

SAGITTARIUS
Past philosphers used a comforting tool: ‘I think, therefore I am not Sagittarius’.

Sagittarius does everything back to front. He speaks before he thinks, leaps before he looks and loves you only after you have left him. Which is why when people say Sagittarius is a lucky bastard, they’re dead right. the fact you haven’t murdered him yet is a miracle. Blessed with the smarts of a particularly backward brontosaurus and the sort of sexual appetite that even Caligula would deem excessive, the Sagittarian bastard is compatible with very few women. Not
because he’s fussy – he’s not. It’s just that most women prefer a man who thinks with his brain.

CAPRICORN
The heart of a loan shark, the humour of an undertaker and the sensitivity of a tax auditor.

Capricorn takes everything seriously. He is hard-working and ambitious. He wants to get married and raise a family.
He has no problem with the concept and implementation of commitment. He’ll even be faithful to you – although this can’t be guaranteed as he is a man. But there is a catch. Before whisking you off into the sunset, he has to check your credit rating. And no, he’s not joking. He never jokes about money, or anything else come to think of it.

AQUARIUS
He seems like any normal bloke. Don’t be fooled, the Aquarius is about as ‘normal’ as a pig with wings.

Aquarius is the most reasonable bastard you’ll ever encounter. In his mind every viewpoint gets a hearing, every belief system has some legitimacy. This, in turn, could lead you to think he is actually more morally superior and ethically sound than the rest of his male peers. Don’t be fooled. It makes him different from the other eleven bastards, not better. Look in the little rubber boats that chase Japanese whaling ships or leaky oil tankers; there’ll be at least one half-drowned Aquarius on board. Find him attractive and he’ll be completely oblivious to your existence. Ignore him and he’ll be all over you.

PISCES
Quite simply Pisces is a pathological liar.

Because he’s at the arse-end of the zodiac, Pisces is often referred to as the astrological ‘rubbish tip’. What this means is he has a little bit of all bastards in him, which therefore makes him a bastard twelve times over. This in turn means he’s obliged to tell massive fibs so you won’t find out the awful truth. Obviously, the quicker off the mark you are, the sooner you’ll spot the yawning chasm between fact and ficton and faster you can drop him. Because to be honest, once the thrill of catching him out wears off, you’ll begin to resent being a full-time lie detector on legs.